Ladies, many of us have been here: the man you’re seeing is attractive, charming, funny, smart, etc., but he doesn’t want to commit. Maybe he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend, even though you see each other on the regular. Maybe he wants to have sex, but he won’t take you to dinner. Or maybe he goes back and forth between wanting you and wanting his former girlfriend, who he also keeps on an emotional string because he just can’t decide.
So for the love of God, please stop.
Just stop.
I’m saying this with a broken heart for several of my girlfriends who have recently found themselves in similar situations. They have been in anguish over the lack of commitment of any kind from their respective “boyfriends” – for not months, but years, with no future commitment in sight.
One girlfriend really wants to believe things will change, and he will see how much she means to him as long as she keeps giving, and giving, and giving. Another insists that, like her man, she doesn’t want a commitment right now, but she’s happy to drop everything and respond when he calls at 2:00am. And yet another feels like she doesn’t want to “label” anything, to protect herself from pain, so she can carry on an affair that she knows in her heart will never lead to anything real.
It’s time to stop.
I was not immune to this problem, because I have been there myself on more than one occasion – hoping that my man would change, that he would commit, that he would consider me his girlfriend. I wanted to believe that he would eventually see all I have to offer. That he would somehow overcome his own issues to admit that he loved me. And while this is very romantic, our lives are not Hollywood movies. You will not cause another person to change, no matter how wonderful, kind, giving and loving you are. But this is the hardest lesson we have to learn, the one that doesn’t make for a good Hollywood movie ending: You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.
I know, I know. Your man has made progress, and you see his potential. You know that if you put in a little more time that he will come around, that he will see you two are meant to be together.
But here’s the hard truth: you are a convenience, not a commitment.
If a man truly wants a relationship, he won’t be afraid to pursue it. He won’t hide behind his fear and make excuses as to why he doesn’t want to commit to you right now. He will introduce you to his friends, and invite you out to dinner with him. He will want to spend more and more time with you, not keep you at arm’s distance. He won’t feel compelled to hide the other parts of his life from you, like a wife or girlfriend.
Speaking to you as a fellow girlfriend who’s been in emotional turmoil over a man who wasn’t returning my love, I’m asking you to consider this: what are you getting out of it? Why do you feel compelled to pursue a relationship that isn’t ever going to come to fruition?
I’m going to guess that you don’t believe you are worthy of real love. That real love has somehow escaped your grasp, and you are searching all the dark corners to see if it really exists. But when you agree to a relationship that isn’t serving you, you are pushing away the potential of real love with someone else. It’s like an insurance policy: as long as you are in the non-relationship, you can keep love at arm’s distance, too.
Maybe you’ve had your heart broken, or maybe you’ve done the breaking yourself and you’ve hardened to the process, convinced that love is for the weak. Or perhaps you think that it’s okay for someone to take without the giving part, without the reciprocal feelings. Or you think it’s okay to pursue a “relationship” with no talk of where it’s going because you have to be chill and patient when it comes to these things, waiting for him to be ready. Because that’s how love has happened for you.
You think that if you give enough love, that maybe, just maybe, he can feel that empty void in you.
But he can’t. And he won’t. So don’t be fooled by his charm.
Now is the time to reach out to your friends, the ones who have stood by your side, cheering you on in your pursuit of love and telling you that this guy isn’t treating you right. If you saw a friend in this situation, you would want her to leave and find a new man worthy of her love, wouldn’t you? So extend the same compassionate response to yourself. Be your own friend. Tell yourself it’s okay to let go.
Here’s the truth: you will find love again.
Love is all around us. It might not seem like it with all the violence and hate on TV, but there are small acts of love and kindness happening every day, all around us. As I heard on a podcast this morning: if you are open to love, and I mean open to seeing love in whatever form it takes, then you will find love.
Love isn’t elusive, and neither is commitment. We just have to do the real work of loving ourselves enough to know when to let go of someone who isn’t right for us.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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