“The Rules” revisited? Please say it isn’t so…


Screen shot 2010-01-11 at 12.48.27 PMOk, I won’t try to be polite about a post I saw on the Huffington Post by Dr. Alex Benzer (where did he get his degree?).  I have read a lot of dating books, and most are pretty typical as far as “advice” goes.  We’re all doing things wrong, and that’s why we remain single.  I get it, respect it, and am open to suggestions.  But he seems to be rehashing “The Rules”, which was offensive the first time around.

Basically, he is blaming smart women for thinking too much, which apparently results in a miserable dating life.  He offers suggestions about “not being competitive” or “not acting like a CEO with a man who could be a CEO”, being more “feminine”, and basically dumbing down and taking on a whole new personality in order to get a date with a guy.  Really?  When has it ever worked out for a woman to pretend to be someone she’s not and have a successful relationship as a result?  Seems to me that even if she were to snag a guy this way, she would spend the relationship strategizing and second-guessing herself instead of knowing and being who she really is.  Is that the definition of success?  Is that a recipe for happiness?  Personally, I’d rather be alone than saddled in a relationship built on false pretenses.  I’m just saying.

One day, there will be a book that holds men and women equally responsible for their own dating lives.  Women shouldn’t pretend to be someone they are not—if they have worked hard to be successful, this should be appreciated by the guys they date.  (And I know many guys who do appreciate successful women.)   Dr. Benzer may think he is catering to our spiritual side by calling his book “The Tao of Dating”, but suggesting we put ourselves on the shelf to make the man feel more self-important?

“If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.”

Please.  I have a headache now.  Are there any guys out there who see what I’m talking about??  Would you want a woman like the one Dr. Benzer wants us to be?  If so, good luck with that.

About Kelly Seal

Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, and sometimes peanut butter. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.


  1. says

    Urg! I hate those kinds of books. Where is the mutual respect and communication? I’m with you on this one… open for suggestions as long as you don’t tell me to start being manipulative.

    I’m a big believer that what you do to “get” someone is what you have to do to “keep” them.

    Thanks for the post

  2. Andie says

    I’ve read all these books from audible.com, and honestly, I fell asleep with the “Tao of Dating”
    Since he had no clue about the male psyche. I study this stuff in school focusing on relationships, because I’ve been surrounded by a family who can’t make marriages work! And I intend to break this cycle. I have studied the male point of view, and have respect for their needs, space, guy time, keeping communication short and to the point, short texts, no multiple texting.,..etc. I may be guilty of doing these things In the past, but have learned the reasons behind why these things help keep the attraction alive! If you don’t care enough to learn as much as possible about the opposite sex, then you aren’t ready to have a successful relationship! It’s not enough for women to do all the side work…. Guys, you gotta learn what makes women happy in order to keep the one you worked so hard to chase in the beginning! Women get turned off when you change into a different guy than she first met. It’s ok to be yourself, but just consider her, as you need a couples mind set after you ask a girl to be your girlfriend. Adult relationships are more serious than your college age ones. Same goes for girls, but follow the rules!

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