I’m really pleased to share my latest article, published in DigitalRomance.com – about a subject that is close to my heart. The picky dater.
You see, for many years, and especially as my thirties started to creep higher and higher, I was in dating denial. I thought I deserved a reward for holding out for The One. No way would I settle! That was a dirty word, one that I wanted nothing to do with. I’d seen my friends marry and divorce. That wasn’t going to happen to me. So, I made a list of everything I wanted – a list that grew bigger and bigger after each bad date. I wanted to manifest my man – will him into being. C’mon, I read The Secret.
My ideal guy (when I found him of course) would be tall, good-looking, funny, kind, smart, successful, a non-smoker, a hiker, would not be glued to the television all weekend watching sports, would not wear track shorts and flip flops on a date, would tell good jokes, would not talk incessantly about his boss or co-workers (but would listen to me talking about mine), could cook amazing meals, was not religious but would be into Christmas trees, would love to travel, owned a dog (but not cats)…whew, okay. I’m tired of listing stuff out. My list was four pages long, front and back.
Anywho, as you can see, I hated dating. The guys I met either: A.) did not live up to the guy I envisioned in my head, so I checked out, or B.) had chemistry with me but would either disappear or turn into a jerk. I’d rather sit in my apartment than deal with all that. My bad dates were making me crazy, calling into question all I thought about the world and what it owed me for being so patient – a good man who wanted to be with me! So why wasn’t it happening??
This is crazy thinking, of course. And completely counter-productive.
The problem wasn’t with all the guys out there, it was with my approach. I had to take a step back, and remember what I was really looking for, which was simple. Love. Connection.
I wasn’t giving anyone a real chance. I’d built walls to protect myself from being hurt like my divorced friends. I was fiercely independent, which made me a great catch for those guys who weren’t sure about commitment. Also, there was that tricky biological clock. I had no time and had to act fast – should I keep dating him? Yes or no. Decide right now.
I decided instead it was time to shift my thinking. I found myself repeating the same patterns, and had to ask why. This required slowing down, reassessing what I was doing, and making some changes to deeply-held beliefs about who I was and what I really wanted.
Stay tuned, because I plan to talk about this subject more in the near future…
Until then, read my guest post here.