Q: I have been going out with a guy for about three months. Most of the time, it’s great – he is romantic, fun, and makes me feel sexy and attractive. But other times it’s like he withdraws. He keeps pulling away from me. He doesn’t answer his phone, he ignores my texts, and he makes excuses as to why he can’t see me for days at a time, whether it’s work, a family issue, or just that he’s tired. I’m really sick of all of this back and forth. I want to know – is he interested in me or not? Am I wasting my time, or should I stick it out and accept that maybe he just gets moody?
Ladies, how many times have we all wondered exactly where a relationship was going or what a guy was thinking? If you’re like me, probably too many to admit.
While I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words. To me, it seems as though your guy is living two separate lives – one with you as his girlfriend, and one on his own – or possibly even with another woman. Three months isn’t long enough to have him wandering off for periods of time without returning your calls and texts. That seems to me like he’s hiding something, likely another relationship.
While we could speculate all day long, let’s get to the main point.
Have you asked him what is going on? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he ignores your calls and texts, or when he makes excuses to not see you? Have you asked him what he wants from your relationship? More importantly, have you told him what you want?
Many of us women lay low, especially in the beginning of a relationship. We want a guy to know that we’re not going to try and trap him or settle down before either of us is ready. We play it cool, so that we don’t look needy. And that’s great. The problem is that often we ignore what is really happening, holding out hope that the relationship we want will take the place of the one we actually have.
Do you want to continue in this pattern for the next three months, six months, a year? If not, I suggest you have a serious talk with him about how you feel. You have nothing to lose here. If he doesn’t want to talk, there’s your answer – the situation will likely stay exactly the same, with you wondering what is going on. If he decides to share, well at least you have a decision to make as to whether the relationship might have a future or not.
Do you want to move on to something that really fulfills you, instead of living in this limbo?
Then it’s time to stand up for yourself, your feelings, your dreams. If you don’t claim them, who will?
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Ms. Cheevious says
Me? I subscribe to the cave-girl style of communication. I hit them over the head with a club and drag them home. That seems to work for a while. LOL!!! But seriously, three months isn’t long enough for a woman to be calling and texting and being all over a guy either. So – not that this person is or was doing that, but some guys simply move very slowly. They can be very present when they’re with you, but that doesn’t mean they want to be in a serious relationship after three months. The pull back is often a symptom of them simply creating space to try to slow things down. There is no excuse for unreturned texts or calls, however… so, to bring it up, I would simply say you’d appreciate a quick response, even if it’s to say “hey really busy this week… call you in a few days” or whatever… My beau and I didn’t even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend until we dated for NINE months…. I was good to allow the distance. The best relationships are those that you require YOUR best behavior as well… and allow the other person to breathe… just let him be. HE WILL EVENTUALLY call, while you’re off living your awesome life. 🙂 Sorry for the ramble! LOL
Elli Raine says
You’re so bang on Kelly! His behaviour is unacceptable after 3 months, but if you have been clear about your intentions with him, then you can’t expect him to just know them. Stand up for yourself and have the conversation. It might really suck, but its way better than wasting another 3 months only to get hurt in the end. Actions speak louder than words… and his actions aren’t boding well!
Divorced Kat says
I acted this way towards a guy I dated for two months. The long and short of it is that I was not that into him. I liked him, I had fun, we had fantastic sex, but I didn’t want him for my boyfriend. Truth hurts sometimes.
Meena Avery (@tweettoimpress) says
I’m actually in this situation right now with someone I’m dating and I keep asking myself, “how long am I going to continue with this in-limbo style relationship?” I think you’re right, I should just open up the conversation to, I like you, and want to continue this, but I need to know we’re on the same page. Great tips here, Kelly!
Kelly says
Meena, it is really hard to have honest conversations, especially as you’re getting to know someone. I agree with Ms. Cheevious that sometimes you should just let the relationship move on its own timing, but if he’s not treating you well by ignoring your texts and calls or “disappearing” something else is at work. He’s not being honest, or he’s not interested in a relationship. At least, that’s been my experience. XO
Single Dating Diva says
Good communication is the basis of every solid relationship. Although it’s hard to “rock the boat” sometimes, it’s important to do, especially if something feels “off”. We need to own what’s happening in our lives, I totally agree with you. Great post!
baby says
Though it’s hard to get over, but you need to leave him, at least for a while, then you will know if he loves you, if he finds you and explains more and tries to keep you, it’s happy that he cares you, and if he says nothing, just let him go