I think many of us hold back to some degree. Maybe it’s simple – you keep your mouth shut when you’d really love to see Movie A but your significant other wants to see Movie B. You agree because it’s not that big of a deal. Movie B looks good, too. You can see Movie A another time with friends. Whatevs.
Or maybe it’s more significant, like you are afraid to ask your boyfriend for more affection, more commitment. More than what you have, more than what he is currently giving you. You secretly dismiss your needs, like you’re making a big deal about nothing, that you should just sit back and let him take the lead with how your relationship should progress. You don’t want to be “needy.” Just like you let him see Movie B when you wanted to see Movie A. No big deal. At least, this is what you might tell yourself.
But this is fear talking.
I get it. It’s scary to have a real conversation with someone you’re dating. It’s scary to have a real conversation with anyone – especially when you feel so much is on the line. Maybe you want to stay together. You love him and you know he’s right, but he isn’t sure yet about you. So you keep trying to prove yourself. You’re nicer than you should be. You act completely independent, as though it wouldn’t matter if he walked out. You don’t let that inner crazy get hold of you. You tiptoe around any unpleasant or difficult subjects. I know what it’s like to have a fear about losing something that you fear you might never get again. Like another chance at love.
But there’s nothing to fear, because you will get another chance at love. I promise.
The thing is, no matter how nice you are, no matter how much you want to please your boyfriend/ girlfriend, you’re giving him control. You are handing over your power. And while it might be scary to think about breaking up, it’s even scarier to visualize your relationship in another five years and it’s still in the same place.
Relationships are tricky, because two people don’t move forward at the same pace. I talk about this in my latest article for Digital Romance. Even if you’re not in the same place, you can’t set your own needs aside. You have to let him/her know how you feel. You’re both in the relationship – you both should be taking turns driving the ship. So set fear aside.
Ask for what you want. It’s the only way you can actually get it.