Let’s talk about something that most of us try to avoid admitting: our tendency to settle when it comes to love.
It took me a while to learn an important truth on my romantic journey: settling can manifest in ways that we do not expect. It can propel us into dysfunctional cycles unaware. Settling leads us into relationships that at best, make us feel antsy and bored, and at worst, make us feel frustrated and hopeless. Let me explain.
Why do we fall in love over and over again with the same emotionally unavailable guys? Why are we attracted to the wrong guys in the first place? It’s not because we don’t know better. We do know better,
but most of us are afraid of change, of the unknown, even in our love lives, and so we settle for what we know.
I was once attracted to men who were distant, sexy, mysterious, interesting, and vaguely dismissive of me. (I know, they can be so hot, right??) If a man was too nice or too available, it killed my sexual attraction – I felt like he was trying too hard. So I kept returning to the same distant, emotionally unavailable guys because that was my “type.” I pined after the guy whose random texts would send me into roller coaster highs and lows, which felt like the peaks and valleys of real attraction. It’s what I knew.
My behavior – pursuing guys who wouldn’t be long-term prospects in any conceivable way – WAS in fact – settling.
I thought to myself as I got older and wiser that I deserved more. I deserved REAL LOVE – the kind that knocks you off your feet, that takes your breath away, that swoops you up in romance. Other women who married nice, boring men that they weren’t particularly attracted to – they were settling.
And I would not settle. No way.
But here’s the reality of what I was doing. I was settling. I settled for less than what I wanted because I was avoiding true intimacy. I was no different from those guys I found so attractive. In fact, I was distant and mysterious, because I didn’t want to be vulnerable, either. I’d been hurt and let down so many times that my emotional distance became a protective armor. I didn’t want to reveal more of myself than was necessary to avoid getting hurt.
I attracted my type, but I wasn’t aware that my type needed to change.
I wanted to love someone only from a distance that was comfortable for me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable or show my flaws, but instead, I wanted to be that mysterious, sexy, aloof girlfriend to the men I dated. And in turn, that was the type of guy I found attractive. I preferred being an image of my own creation, someone to be adored, rather than someone real who could risk falling in love and falling apart and showing exactly who I was – vulnerable, sometimes scared, wanting to be known, and wanting love.
That’s when I realized, maybe I was already settling. Maybe instead of expecting the men around me to change, I needed to be the change.
I needed to reveal myself, my flaws, my vulnerability to truly connect with someone. Only then was there a possibility of truly falling in love.
What to Do…
I needed to become emotionally available, too. When you find yourself in a destructive pattern of dating the wrong guys, whether it’s dating unavailable men or other noncommittal types, chances are, there’s a pattern in your behavior and thinking that needs to be explored.
Don’t be afraid to do the hard work of asking yourself:
- What do I truly want?
- How do I want to feel in a relationship?
- How do I want to show up for my partner in ways that scare me now?
I write about this in my book Date Expectations, and provide some exercises to help you get into a new relationship mindset.
It’s a hard look in the mirror, I’m not gonna lie. It took a lot of soul-searching and risk-taking for me, and I didn’t always get it right. But most good things in life come with a lot of hard work. This includes finding the right relationship. It starts with changing how you think about love. A shift in perspective, if you will.
But in the end, all that hard work – it’s so worth it.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Masculine Profiles says
Interesting perspective! This clears up some reasons as to why girls I tend to date become distant. It must be that hard to express it.
-MP